Sometimes I think strength can be a weakness! My father, the lighthouse of my childhood, was a beacon of strength and an exemplary safe harbor! However, his strength oftentimes kept him lonely because so many were afraid that their "Rock of Gibraltar" might have a crack in its veneer - rendering him "human." i.e., if he isn't strong, who can I lean upon? Thus, he made his children independent with a firm backbone . . but ...........

One year and 9 months ago Stafford rose above the mayhem of this earthly existence. I miss him each and every moment and I find on ocasion that I'm awaiting one of his usual "catch up" phone calls! There are days when I find myself thnking: "Oh, I've got to call Stafford and tell him thus and so" . . . and then in a moment, I'm shocked back into reality and the "knowing" hits me in the face! The "grief attacks" are still with me and I fight the desire to just fall to my knees and melt! I have shed many a tear and have had many sleepless nights but, as I replay the tapes of the past 21 months, I cannot find a time that I truly let the flood gates open in order to pour forth the mournng. There are days I wonder if it will ever happen! I remember that it was nearly 3 years after I lost my father that the true grieving and mourning hit me like a ton of bricks. I wonder (almost daily) if I will ever reach acceptance of Stafford's absence.

I so abhor the terms "closure" and "healing" because I know my heart will never close to Stafford nor will I ever heal from his absence . . . anymore than I could heal from an amputation! I can only hope to "adjust" to his physical absence and I pray constantly that he can "get through" and let me know he is in fact "still" . . . . .. . His spirit has to be all around and I cling to the belief that I will see him again!

Twin grandchildren coming in November are an incredible blessing and I know there has to be Divine Intervention at play! Stafford so wanted to leave a child behind and now, with NO twins on either house, his brother, Stuart (and gorgeous wife Kara) will gift the world with my new grandson and granddaughter! I struggle to keep my focus on that blessed event in lieu of the pain of grieving. I have heard all the cliches and I understand each one but my heart is not capable at this point of accepting them.

Thank you Stafford for watching over the incredible gift of new grandchildren!!

Once upon a time I went Christmas shopping with Stafford in a most unusual way.

I cannot recall which Christmas Eve it was but I'm thinking it was probably about 6 years ago. I was meandering through my own schedule at home when my phone rang. As I viewed the digital call waiting message that read "Stafford," I felt the usual joy of hearing from him.

"Hi Stafford! How are you and what are you doing this Christmas Eve?"

"Hey Mom, I need your help! It's late here (he was not in NY - he was out of town for a performance) and I'm in a panic because I don't have a gift for Erin yet. I want to get her some record albums (LP's) but most of the stores are closed!"

"Stafford - - don't panic, yet. It's almost 8pm where you are and I know you can get the older LP's which you are looking for from Goodwill (my favorite store) and they're probably still open. Since you don't have a car with you, call a cab!"

"Ok Mom, hang on. We're going shopping! Hey -- there's a cab!"

(Pause) as he talks with the cabbie.

"Mom! He knows of a Goodwill nearby and we're on our way."

As "we" traveled through the streets, Stafford pointed out all of the sights, sounds and Christmas lights. "There's Goodwill Mom! Hang on!"

"Stafford - tell the Cabbie to wait for you!" (Running back and waving his arms and yelling, he was able to "catch" the cabbie and he did in fact, wait for him!) "Mom! They're locking the door!"

"Stafford -- run to the door and put on your "sad" face! He'll let you in!!"

I could hear Stafford's pleading voice: "It's Christmas Eve -- I only need 5 minutes to get some LP's for my wife's gift." The door latch clicked and I heard a voice say, "Okay - but make it quick. The record album section is over there!"

"Mom! I'm in!! We're running down the aisle now and look! There's a "s___ load of albums!! You were right! Wow! Look at this one, and this one, and wow! she'll love this one," etc.

He was able to load up his arms with about 15 to 20 albums and ran back to the checkout stand. As he paid for his purchase he said: "Mom! She's going to love these - especially since I just got her a record player!"

I then heard him say to the fellow who had opened the door: "Hey Dude! You made my wife's Christmas!! Thanks a millions!"

Climbing into the waiting cab, he gave him an address where he was staying. Then he said to me: "Hey Mom! This was great! Thanks for going shopping with me! Oh! By the way, Merry Christmas!"

Time flies so rapidly -- today, Stuart and Kara celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary - and are expecting twins to boot!!  What a fabulous 3rd year in store for them!  Oh the joy of pregnancy - - all 3 times I was so excited and it seemed the pregnancies flew by!  Before I knew it, the joy of each birth of a son eclipsed the labor pains and the trepidations!  That little cry and those little clenched fists were beyond description! Three times I was blessed and now, I have two grandsons from Steven and two more on the way!  . . . . . . . . Two years ago today, all three of my sons were together, celebrating Stuart and Kara .... A mere 5-1/2 months later Stafford journeyed beyond.   Now Stuart & Kara are having twins - - -  one cannot but wonder at the Grand Design!

The ocean photo (below) eclipsed my activities - - actually haunted me all day long -- I finally put words to it....... so therapeutic to release thoughts in word form!! Yet another tribute to that fabulous "Electric Kid" who is with me every moment of every day -- sometimes making me cry, contemplate, re-examine, and, believe it or not, making me laugh!! Always and forever vibrant and very much alive in my heart!

Just before Mother's Day, one of Stafford's older brothers, Stuart, called with incredible news!  He's going to be a Dad!  Not just to one child, but to twins!  Kara is due to deliver in the first part of November, but, due to twins, she may be a little early!  What a gift - what a celebration! 

     Stuart is presently in China (flew on his 41st birthday from Chicago to Beijing) accompanying 17 students from the Univ. of Ill.  They will be returning around the 16th of June.  I know his camera is clicking furiously and there is so much for him to see and inhale!  Years ago when I was blessed to visit, I loved the Great Wall and most of all, the Terracotta Soldiers in Xian!  Stuart will get to see all of it -- and more!  What an experience and I am so thrilled for him.  Parenting may very well curb some of the travels but what an incredible trade off!!

     Brian, my 11 year old grandson from Steven, is running away with his "Lacrosse Games!"  The thrill of the game and the techniques of winning have all "clicked" and he has scored numerous goals!  In fact his team won the championships!  His brother, Kyle (8 years old) is right behind his big brother -- they will both be attending Lacross camp in June!  Kyle has excelled in baseball but so looking forward to Lacrosse!  Look out for those "Clark Boys!"

I'm at a loss for words because I'm stumbling through each day. I know life - and me - as I knew them - are gone and I continue each day trying to adjust -- I know there is no "healing" and there is no "closure" - two words I detest!! Adjustment to the incredible void is all there is to look forward to. This does not lessen Steven's or Stuart's (or Brian's or Kyle's) importance --- I feel I have lost my right arm but still have my left arm and two legs! I will never again hear Stafford's voice, laughter or opinions nor will I again experience his "electricity!" There can never be anyone or anything to replace those things that were unique to him! Loosing a child is beyond words -- and especially one so in touch with life as Stafford was!

Losing a mate at a young age is beyond description as well -- I lived the heartache with my girlfriend in Tahoe who was left with 2 little boys. She did not recover --- She drank herself into a coma and passed on. I well remember loosing Tom - Steven's Dad - (albeit it was through divorce) and it took me 13 years to get over that loss! I know what it is to lose the person you completely love --

I have come to the realization that I do not want to let go of the heartache, the sorrow or the searing pain of loss because if I do, I feel I am lessening Stafford's importance and he doesn't deserve to be an occasional memory!  But I do know that there will be a time when he will let me know that it's okay to adjust and try to live what life I have left. I have explicit faith and trust in him to give me something to go on - when the time is appropriate. I merely wait . . . .

I wait for a time when something helps me to incorporate him into my life so as to help me move forward in a more positive light. He will always be beside me and  will continue to speak to me in subtle ways. He wants all of us to be happy and he will do all that he can to facilitate our peace and serenity. These things I feel and know and have learned from my brothers, my father and my grandmother after they moved on to that higher and better place. They have never deserted me and I know that Stafford will do nothing less!

Brian and Kyle are incredible lights in my life, and they make me giggle with their antics and stories. But, underneath the thin "onion skin layer" that covers my pain of loss, there is never a moment that I am not achingly missing Stafford. I struggle to keep a positive and lighthearted persona for the little ones but there are times when it is extremely difficult to "paste a smile on my face!"

I am having to regroup and redefine the altered me -- and I do not recognize too many similarities from the "old me!" Strange thing is, I find that "much" doesn't matter anymore! Whatever I become is whatever I become!  I have lived a full life and have been blessed in numerous ways!  For now, I merely wait........................

So often Stafford and I talked of many philosophial ideals and amazingly, we both "knew" of the intrinsic relationship between man and earth.  I wrote the following with Stafford's words in mind:

Trying to make sense of each day -- not finding much clarity.  Spent a week with my sister hoping to get a little grounded ... diversions are so short-lived ... I see Stafford everywhere - I hear him in the trees - I listen to his words - I dream of him every single night - I think I am refusing to accept for fear that my acceptance will make him gone ... I cannot bear the thought!

Reminiscing about Stafford all day -- I remember reading somewhere about the Garden of Souls. Reflecting on all the things that Stafford did to "lend a hand," I feel certain his field of flowers is beyond imagination. He most definitely colored my world and left many rose petals for me as a reminder. I feel so grateful and thankful for having been influenced by him!

At 7:02 p.m. tonight, I will have been gifted with 44 years of joy, growing pains, gray hair, innumerable memories of happy times, sad times, difficult times, exciting times, sharing times, loving times, and most of all, two incredible grandsons! It feels like my birthday today when I look back at all the gifts given to me as a result of my first born being "gifted to me!" Happy Birthday "Numero Uno": I stand so proud as your mother!

January 24, 2013

Those who have gone before remain with us today!

What a wonderful concept!

When we get to "missing" family members, they are as far away as our hands -- those same hands that embraced them, helped them, guided them, and consoled them.

We are connected so far beyond our imaginations -- eternally!

January 21, 2013

Well, I've succeeded once again in accomplishing a man's job! I climbed under the kitchen sink (albeit two cats and one dog kept snooping around my ears) and - in all manner of distorted body - repaired a loose fitting faucet. The plumber neglected to tighten the screws!!! (about 1 hour of work) Then I had to place tiles on the floor of the sink cabinet since water had leaked and warped the flooring! (45 minutes) With rubber mallet in hand, I took a chance at repairing an entertainment cabinet that had somehow acquired loose pegs holding one side in place. (45 minutes) It worked (for now!)

With the cold snap nipping at my heels, I then ventured outside and covered a zillion plants (some already have been frost bitten!!) (45 minutes) Moved a huge TV set into my bedroom (from the sun room -- (flat screens are too expensive!) -- moved other furniture around -- had white coaxial cable in the shed (I never throw anything away) so I strung that over 2 different doorways (closet & bathroom) and just happened to have "staple like" fasteners so all cable is "unnoticeable!" Hooked up the cable and voila! Let there be news!! (4 hours)

In the meantime, I got 3 loads of laundry completed plus scoured the guest bathroom and mopped the floor! Took time out for a bite to eat since my temper was getting short! (Hunger pangs!) Somewhere in between all of the above, I cleaned the kitchen and washed dishes, fed the animals, dressed, made my bed, read the newspaper and did the crossword. I returned from Reno on Tuesday night and my clothes are STILL hanging in the car!!! Felt the house needed my attention first! Now that it is "back in shape" I can unload the clothes! I did bring in the few bags of shoes, books, toiletries, etc. on Wednesday.

I think I shall call it an early night and crawl back into my pj's, grab my pillow, comforter and book! Tomorrow is another day of the "single life!"

All the while my thoughts drfited to Stafford and I thank him for giving me a reprieve - albeit momentarily - from the heavy heartedness that I continue to deal with on a daily basis!! 

There are no words to explain the horrendous vacancy in my heart!!

Just being funny with this "made-up" photo! 

January 21, 2013

So long ago, yet only yesterday!! Going through some photo albums this morning because I received a call from an incredibly dear friend from 1972 in California! I was searching for photos of her and her husband (whom she lost just before Stafford's passing) I came across some heart warming photos of the "boys" as well as their Great Grandmother! Such heart warming photos and memories .... what beautiful boys I was blessed with!! What a beautiful friend in Clara and her husband, Mario!

Encino, Ca. - Clara and husband, Mario Tejeda --

Two of the most wonderful people who blessed my life and that of my three sons!!!

Feel nature's gifts in the great outdoors ... in the cold winter nights the stars shine their light to show us a way to warmth --- in the warm summer evenings, I recall the moonlight illuminating my pathway home in the sandy terrain of the reservation -- the daytime thunder cracked frighteningly above me as a warning to not tally -- and now, I "feel" the touch and caring through nature's gifts from those who have journeyed beyond. ...............

January 5, 2013

Beautiful "crystalized" bushes, trees and a "happy" trampoline in the backyard ... just a few of my favorite things!!! . . . . . Boys and Dad off to Mt. Rose this morning to go "sledding!" What a joy to help the boys into their snow pants, jackets, beanies, gloves and boots! Truly took me back in time to when my 3 boys were "neck high" in snow in Tahoe so many many years ago!!!

January 6, 2013

Tomorrow is a brand new day with much to be thankful for. I will be heading out for Phoenix since the snow storm didn't materialize. I will be thinking of my young grandsons and recalling the great visit filled with hugs, fun and laughter!

January 10, 2013

Window Rock, Arizona --

Wintertime brings back so many memories of days climbing monolithic rock formations, smelling clean and crisp air, walking in a snow shower where the only sound was the soft "whishing" of snowflakes, incredibly clear star-studded night skies and a "peaceful, melodic quiet" that seemed to travel directly to my ears from dimensions way beyond my human brain's ability to comprehend!

I knew then, at the ripe old age of ten years, as I know now, that I am an infinitesimal part of the whole -- that I am a part of that Universe and IT is a part of me! It's exciting to know, in my heart, that ALL is interconnected - for eternity - and I know, just as I am sure that I am typing on my keyboard, I will again be reunited with those who have gone before. This knowledge is the force behind my every footstep and knowledge of that force came from the introspection afforded me during the "quiet" days and nights on the primitive reservation.

Although it was a very different upbringing from just that of my three sons, I cannot help but be concerned for the young people of today who are living amidst chaos, noise, crowds, pollution and electronic entertainment. When/where are they afforded the quiet solitude in order to listen to their own hearts and develop their own philosophy of life. What exactly is a "quiet" place within our many large towns, cities, suburbs, etc.? I am beyond grateful to have had my formative years spent on three different reservations until I left following high school graduation. Life has been a great steward of my existence! I am humbled by the overseeing of "me" by the Universe!

January 2, 2013

Brilliant skies today in Reno and above the Sierras. Only a few small skiffs of clouds. Driving back from errands, the sunset behind the mountains was breathtaking..... I just "knew" I was being smiled upon.. . . . . . . . . . . Thank you, Stafford!