Sometimes I think strength can be a weakness! My father, the lighthouse of my childhood, was a beacon of strength and an exemplary safe harbor! However, his strength oftentimes kept him lonely because so many were afraid that their "Rock of Gibraltar" might have a crack in its veneer - rendering him "human." i.e., if he isn't strong, who can I lean upon? Thus, he made his children independent...

One year and 9 months ago Stafford rose above the mayhem of this earthly existence. I miss him each and every moment and I find on ocasion that I'm awaiting one of his usual "catch up" phone calls! There are days when I find myself thnking: "Oh, I've got to call Stafford and tell him thus and so" . . . and then in a moment, I'm shocked back into reality and the "knowing" hits me in the face! T...

Once upon a time I went Christmas shopping with Stafford in a most unusual way.

Time flies so rapidly -- today, Stuart and Kara celebrate their 2nd wedding anniversary - and are expecting twins to boot!!  What a fabulous 3rd year in store for them!  Oh the joy of pregnancy - - all 3 times I was so excited and it seemed the pregnancies flew by!  Before I knew it, the joy of each birth of a son eclipsed the labor pains and the trepidations!  That little cry and those little clenched fists were beyond description! ...

The ocean photo (below) eclipsed my activities - - actually haunted me all day long -- I finally put words to it....... so therapeutic to release thoughts in word form!! Yet another tribute to that fabulous "Electric Kid" who is with me every moment of every day -- sometimes making me cry, contemplate, re-examine, and, believe it or not, making me laugh!! Always and forever vibrant and very much alive in...

Just before Mother's Day, one of Stafford's older brothers, Stuart, called with incredible news!  He's going to be a Dad!  Not just to one child, but to twins!  Kara is due to deliver in the first part of November, but, due to twins, she may be a little early!  What a gift - what a celebration! 

I'm at a loss for words because I'm stumbling through each day. I know life - and me - as I knew them - are gone and I continue each day trying to adjust -- I know there is no "healing" and there is no "closure" - two words I detest!! Adjustment to the incredible void is all there is to look forward to. This does not lessen Steven's or Stuart's (or Brian's or Kyle's) importance --- I feel I have lost my right arm but still have my left arm and two legs! I will...

So often Stafford and I talked of many philosophial ideals and amazingly, we both "knew" of the intrinsic relationship between man and earth.  I wrote the following with Stafford's words in mind:

Trying to make sense of each day -- not finding much clarity.  Spent a week with my sister hoping to get a little grounded ... diversions are so short-lived ... I see Stafford everywhere - I hear him in the trees - I listen to his words - I dream of him every single night - I think I am refusing to acc...

Reminiscing about Stafford all day -- I remember reading somewhere about the Garden of Souls. Reflecting on all the things that Stafford did to "lend a hand," I feel certain his field of flowers is beyond imagination. He most definitely colored my world and left many rose petals for me as a reminder. I feel so grateful and thankful for having been influenced by him!

At 7:02 p.m. tonight, I will have been gifted with 44 years of joy, growing pains, gray hair, innumerable memories of happy times, sad times, difficult times, exciting times, sharing times, loving times, and most of all, two incredible grandsons! It feels like my birthday today when I look back at all the gifts given to me as a result of my first born being "gifted to me!" Happy Birthday "Numero Uno": I stand so proud as your mother!

Well, I've succeeded once again in accomplishing a man's job! I climbed under the kitchen sink (albeit two cats and one dog kept snooping around my ears) and - in all manner of distorted body - repaired a loose fitting faucet. The plumber neglected to tighten the screws!!! (about 1 hour of work) Then I had to place tiles on the floor of the sink cabinet since water had leaked and warped the flooring! (45 minutes) With rubber mallet in hand, I took ...

Feel nature's gifts in the great outdoors ... in the cold winter nights the stars shine their light to show us a way to warmth --- in the warm summer evenings, I recall the moonlight illuminating my pathway home in the sandy terrain of the reservation -- the daytime thunder cracked frighteningly above me as a warning to not tally -- and now, I "feel" the touch and caring through nature's gifts from those who have journeyed beyond. ...............

January 2, 2013

Brilliant skies today in Reno and above the Sierras. Only a few small skiffs of clouds. Driving back from errands, the sunset behind the mountains was breathtaking..... I just "knew" I was being smiled upon.. . . . . . . . . . . Thank you, Stafford!