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My Blog: A MOUNTAIN OF LOSS Post New Entry

1 year and 9 months and still climbing!

Posted by Margaret Clark-Price on September 10, 2013 at 10:40 PM

One year and 9 months ago Stafford rose above the mayhem of this earthly existence. I miss him each and every moment and I find on ocasion that I'm awaiting one of his usual "catch up" phone calls! There are days when I find myself thnking: "Oh, I've got to call Stafford and tell him thus and so" . . . and then in a moment, I'm shocked back into reality and the "knowing" hits me in the face! The "grief attacks" are still with me and I fight the desire to just fall to my knees and melt! I have shed many a tear and have had many sleepless nights but, as I replay the tapes of the past 21 months, I cannot find a time that I truly let the flood gates open in order to pour forth the mournng. There are days I wonder if it will ever happen! I remember that it was nearly 3 years after I lost my father that the true grieving and mourning hit me like a ton of bricks. I wonder (almost daily) if I will ever reach acceptance of Stafford's absence.

I so abhor the terms "closure" and "healing" because I know my heart will never close to Stafford nor will I ever heal from his absence . . . anymore than I could heal from an amputation! I can only hope to "adjust" to his physical absence and I pray constantly that he can "get through" and let me know he is in fact "still" . . . . .. . His spirit has to be all around and I cling to the belief that I will see him again!

Twin grandchildren coming in November are an incredible blessing and I know there has to be Divine Intervention at play! Stafford so wanted to leave a child behind and now, with NO twins on either house, his brother, Stuart (and gorgeous wife Kara) will gift the world with my new grandson and granddaughter! I struggle to keep my focus on that blessed event in lieu of the pain of grieving. I have heard all the cliches and I understand each one but my heart is not capable at this point of accepting them.

Thank you Stafford for watching over the incredible gift of new grandchildren!!

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