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1 year and 9 months and still climbing!
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One year and 9 months ago Stafford rose above
the mayhem of this earthly existence. I miss him each and every moment
and I find on ocasion that I'm awaiting one of his usual "catch up"
phone calls! There are days when I find myself thnking:
"Oh, I've got to call Stafford and tell him thus and so" . . . and then
in a moment, I'm shocked back into reality and the "knowing" hits me in
the face! The "grief attacks" are still with me and I fight the desire
to just fall to my knees and melt! I have shed many a tear and have
had many sleepless nights but, as I replay the tapes of the past 21
months, I cannot find a time that I truly let the flood gates open in
order to pour forth the mournng. There are days I wonder if it will
ever happen! I remember that it was nearly 3 years after I lost my
father that the true grieving and mourning hit me like a ton of bricks.
I wonder (almost daily) if I will ever reach acceptance of Stafford's
absence.
I so abhor the terms "closure" and "healing" because I
know my heart will never close to Stafford nor will I ever heal from
his absence . . . anymore than I could heal from an amputation! I can
only hope to "adjust" to his physical absence and I pray constantly that
he can "get through" and let me know he is in fact "still" . . . . ..
. His spirit has to be all around and I cling to the belief that I
will see him again!
Twin grandchildren coming in November are
an incredible blessing and I know there has to be Divine Intervention at
play! Stafford so wanted to leave a child behind and now, with NO
twins on either house, his brother, Stuart (and gorgeous wife Kara) will
gift the world with my new grandson and granddaughter! I struggle to
keep my focus on that blessed event in lieu of the pain of grieving. I
have heard all the cliches and I understand each one but my heart is
not capable at this point of accepting them.
Thank you Stafford for watching over the incredible gift of new grandchildren!!
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