"Mom...I just want to see forty!" Today is Stafford's fortieth day of birth and he left us 40 months ago!!

All the poems, beautiful tributes, loving passages, empathetic gestures and kind words are a part of the glue that holds the shards of my broken heart together! Every day I test the glue ..... but it has not yet dried! ......

I was Stafford's Mom, and yes, today and for many tomorrows, I will be selfish in my grief. I will cry, I will wander aimlessly, I will want to scream out, I will stare at his photographs covering the years of his electric life! I will look in my memory bank and recall the joys, the heartaches, the excitement and the loving moments I had with him.

I will close my eyes and remember him saying, "Okay Mom, you can have a hug now!" (Toward the end, after arriving in NY on an airplane, I had to shower to wash away the germs....he was very susceptible to infection.)

That hug has burned an indelible mark on my heart and soul!

I am now "all knowing" on a subject of which I knew nothing! I "knew" I would not comprehend this inexplicable pain because "parents" go first! Even that pain is no stranger to me.....I have lost many and have grieved from the depths of my soul, but I didn't loose my purpose or identity as I fear I may have this time!

I can only tell you this: Do not hold back your love out of anger, resentment or false pride! Do not allow self-consciousness to make you swallow your words/emotions! The pain of loss is beyond devastating but, it is crushingly more difficult to carry forward with the guilt of silence when faced with a love that has been eternally extinguished by death!

Take life by the horns and express your love and caring every day! Tomorrow may not allow you another breath.