1:00 a.m. on the 10th of July 2017, and not sure why my pillow is not calling to me. It’s been another hot day (desert living) and staying indoors is the only way to survive. Of course, being trapped within the walls of the house, one becomes trapped in the walls of the mind.

I so miss my son Stafford in so many many ways…. I miss his voice, his greeting of “Hi Mom, it’s Stafford” … I miss his laughter, our many conversations, his enthusiasm for everything he did, be it grocery shopping, the crossword, a performance or going to an outdoor concert. He had such a zest for living and for life! He shared so much of his daily life with me and made me a part of his life. His absence has removed the sun from my days…. I have lost my right arm and have not learned to write with my left!!

I go through each day trying different hobbies or surfing the tv channels for God knows what. My enthusiasm is waning and I struggle to find a task or an errand to distract me from my thoughts.

Losing my son was evidently not enough.  For two years now, my oldest has removed himself and his boys from my life with untold anger and vitriol. He has chosen to be judge, jury and executioner and I have yet to know the charge. All I can do is love them from afar. He has left me reeling and wounded beyond explanation. I am left with a huge question mark over my head wondering “Why?” I pray that he is content.

Stuart has been my anchor these past two years and I am beyond thankful that he has allowed me to be a part of his life while helping him with his precious twins. He has a very full life and his days are filled with incredible responsibilities but he takes the time to call frequently. He and the twins are my heartbeat.

After all these years, I find myself wondering how I got to where I am today. It certainly isn’t where I thought I would be but then, how does anyone plan a life with all of the unknowns and unforeseen twists in the roadways. Yes, it could be worse! And yes, it could be better as well…. if just half of the heartache would disappear.